Medical Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only. If you are experiencing significant distress about identity changes after becoming a mother, or if you are struggling to bond with your baby, please speak with a mental health professional who specialises in perinatal wellbeing.
There is a concept in developmental psychology called “matrescence,” coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in 1973 and more recently brought to wider attention by clinical psychologist Dr. Alexandra Sacks. It describes the psychological, social, and neurological transformation a woman goes through when she becomes a mother. Like adolescence, it is a complete identity reorganisation. And like adolescence, it is rarely discussed with the seriousness it deserves.
If you have become a mother and felt like you do not recognise yourself anymore, or grief for who you were before, or a strange ambivalence about this new role even as you love your baby: you are not broken. You are in the middle of one of the most significant transitions a human being can experience.
What Is Matrescence?
Matrescence describes the process of becoming a mother, which involves profound shifts in identity, relationships, values, and sense of self. Research using neuroimaging has shown that pregnancy and early parenthood actually change brain structure, reducing volume in regions associated with social cognition in ways that appear to enhance maternal attunement and care. Becoming a mother, in other words, is not just emotional. It is neurological.
The psychological experience of matrescence often includes:
- Grief for the person you were before, including your freedom, your body, and your identity outside of motherhood
- Ambivalence about your new role, feeling both deeply loving and overwhelmed or resentful
- Difficulty recognising yourself in the mirror or in your relationships
- A questioning of values, priorities, and what you want from your life
- A sense of being on shifting ground as all your reference points change
The Myth of Maternal Instinct
One reason so many new mothers feel disoriented is that they expected motherhood to feel natural and instinctive. The reality is that maternal attachment and confidence develop over time, and they develop through doing, not through some magical switch that flips at birth. The rush of unconditional love that is supposed to hit you in the delivery room is real for some women and entirely absent for others. Both are normal.
Bonding with your baby can take days, weeks, or months. This does not reflect the depth of your love or your capacity to be a good mother. It reflects the fact that love, like trust, grows through time and shared experience.
Holding Onto Parts of Your Pre-Baby Self
Becoming a mother does not require erasing who you were before. In fact, maintaining connections to your pre-baby identity, whether that is your career, your friendships, your hobbies, or your sense of humour, is associated with better mental health outcomes for new mothers.
This does not mean scheduling a night out every week or returning to marathon training at six weeks. It means allowing yourself to still be a full person, not just a mother. Even small things help: reading a book you have chosen, having a conversation that is not about babies, keeping one hobby even in a reduced form.
Redefining Yourself: The Integration That Is Possible
Matrescence is not only about loss. It is also about expansion. Many women discover strengths, capacities, and values they did not know they had. The reorganisation of identity, though painful, often results in a self that is more grounded, more clearly aligned with what truly matters, and more compassionate, both toward others and toward yourself.
The goal is not to return to who you were before. It is to integrate your new identity as a mother with the person you have always been, creating someone broader and more whole. This takes time. It often takes professional support. And it is entirely worth pursuing.
Resources for Navigating Matrescence
Dr. Alexandra Sacks’ TED Talk “A new way to think about the transition to motherhood” is an excellent starting point and is freely available online. The book Matrescence by Lucy Jones is a beautifully written, research-grounded exploration of what it means to become a mother. Many women report it as one of the most validating books they have ever read.
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Therapy, particularly with a therapist who understands perinatal identity transitions, can also be profoundly helpful during this period. You do not have to be in crisis to benefit from support while navigating one of the biggest transitions of your life.
You Are Still You
On the days when motherhood feels like it has consumed you entirely, hold onto this: the fact that you are asking these questions, that you are looking for yourself within this new role, is itself a sign of psychological health. You are not lost. You are in process. And the mother you are becoming contains everything you have ever been.
Sources
- Sacks, A. (2017). A new way to think about the transition to motherhood. TED Talk. https://www.ted.com/talks/alexandra_sacks_a_new_way_to_think_about_the_transition_to_motherhood
- Hoekzema, E., Barba-Muller, E., Pozzobon, C., Picado, M., Lucco, F., Garcia-Garcia, D., … & Vilarroya, O. (2017). Pregnancy leads to long-lasting changes in human brain structure. Nature Neuroscience, 20(2), 287-296.
- Raphael, D. (1973). The Tender Gift: Breastfeeding. Prentice Hall.
- Laney, E. K., Lewis Hall, M. E., Anderson, T. L., & Willingham, M. M. (2015). Becoming a mother: The influence of motherhood on women’s identity development. Identity, 15(2), 126-145.
- Gjerdingen, D., McGovern, P., Attanasio, L., Johnson, P. J., & Kozhimannil, K. B. (2014). Maternal depressive symptoms and employment after childbirth. Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine, 27(1), 87-96.
